Haz clic aquí para leer en español
Written by Fidgit
We pushed a long day to put the Rio San Juan behind us. With the assistance of the Costa Rican border police, we left Nicaragua behind and took to the Rio Colorado and then the canals which led us to Tortugero.
Here we passed two days, catching up on recording audio dispatches, communications, social media, laundry, and washing the grime of the river off our boats and gear. Neon and I had some relationship laundry to do as well.
One of the challenges of having a third party with us was that we were not as free to communicate with one another. Richard’s presence made us aware of the constant and exhaustive work we do to maintain open communication between our two very different personalities and perspectives. Whether moving or sitting, we spend likely over an hour a day in a space of often uncomfortable intentionality and have worked hard to make it a safe place for both of us to express our truths.
We had subverted these practices to accommodate his discomfort, we used him as a neutral distraction to avoid the mounting dis-ease between ourselves, and I myself began to wonder whether the relationship was worth so much effort. Shouldn’t a relationship flow easily? Why did we dig so deep and rigorously?
I’ll tell you why.
Because that is what it takes to make it work. Our relationship is not perfect, nor is it easy. It does run deep. It is resilient, mutually affirming, often goofy, and is what has made this journey possible. So, we sat down to breakfast alone together and outed with our hurts and uncertainties. These conversations are always intimidating to engage with, scary to navigate, and leave me with an overwhelming sense of relief. We recognized patterns of our parents playing out, “sins of thy father” type stuff. It meant exposing some of my deepest vulnerabilities and fears. It meant tears and letting the darkness which has cloaked me be seen and naming it.
In Neon I have found a steadfast companion in the multiple facets of this undertaking. She is experienced in long travel, she is versed in emotional awareness, and she can honor the spiritual. Out of the gate, I would not have known to seek these things and it has taken years for us to build them. I could not be more grateful and honored.
The tourist town sits on a narrow strip of land between the canals and the Caribbean. Several times a day I wandered out to the beach to watch the sea. The water seemed tamer than when last we had met, though signs on the beach warned of rip tides. Richard taught us that rips can, in fact, be beneficial to kayakers as they create an outward draw and settle the waves in certain areas. We could identify several within a few hundred meters of our location.
I was terrified, memories of the tumult of a few weeks ago still crashed in my mind, tensing my body and waking me at night, listening to the waves.
I needed to go out.
Badly.
While we could stick to the canals for another hundred kilometers or so, my fear was crashing right outside our front door, and who can deny that call without committing herself to a life of fearful evasion and the mounting trauma of being forced to face it at some later point? If I have learned anything from this journey, it is that your doubts and fears will always catch you, again and again. Only by facing them can you move through and dissipate them. Until that time, they will burden you and, if unheeded, will become the work of future generations to untangle.
So, we set out. And my fears were realized when a wave crashed over me and flipped me. The water rushing about my head, the panic mounting – I did not manage to execute a roll, but I did manage to stay in that place of roaring fear for a few extra seconds before pulling my spray skirt and exiting. Richard paddled out and helped me back to shore.
He offered that we head back in to the canals, but I did not want to retreat. This needed to be manageable if I was ever to be worthy of the sea. We pumped the boat, and I tried again. This time I made it. I was out to sea. Five weeks later than I had anticipated, it had thrown the timing of the whole project, but finally I had made it to where I wanted to be. Out on the ocean blue. I had, quite literally broken through waves of fear.
For the next week, the seas and sky were merciful. The swells were less than a meter, the winds came in only for a few hours in the middle of the day and the evenings were glassy calm. The shore glided past on my right, constant and smooth. At 1 km out, you can see the beach and the surf, at 2 km out it is just a line of trees, from 3 km out the land is layers of varying shades of green across a wide blue expanse.
I loved being out at sea. Closer to the coast you have the context of the shoreline moving but from further out all you have is the rhythm of your paddle cutting through the water. You lose your frame of reference. It can be frustrating when you can’t tell whether you are moving, you just have to trust that you are.
For the first time this season, my mind went silent. There was nothing to sort, there simply was what was. I did not carry weights, I was carried by weight. More and more I experienced those moments of peaceful presence. When a dragonfly or butterfly flew past. When a bird dove from the sky. When the sunlight caught on the water just so and I moved among a million scattered diamonds.
Being surrounded by those moments I recognized they had been present even through the challenges of the river, where I had admittedly met them less frequently. As they returned to being my norm, again I breathed easy. I breathed into the strength of my muscles. I breathed into the deep waters beneath me. I breathed into the skies and merciful cloud cover above. There is a lot of space to breathe atop the sea.
Finally, I had found what I came seeking.
We are proud of our partners, Forever Cairn. Tricia and her family carefully and responsibly source beautiful jewelry and t-shirts and for every purchase, they plant a tree.
Support them, as they support us!
De vuelta al mar: Remando el Caribe de Costa Rica
Escrito por Fidgit
Traduccion por Fabiana
Nosotros atravesamos un largo día para dejar el Río San Juan detrás de nosotros. Con la ayuda de la policía fronteriza de Costa Rica, dejamos Nicaragua atrás y nos fuimos hacia el Río Colorado y luego a los canales que nos llevaron a Tortugero.
Aquí pasamos dos días, poniéndonos al día en grabando mensajes de audio, comunicaciones, redes sociales, lavandería y lavado de la suciedad del río de nuestros barcos y equipo. Neon y yo teníamos que lavar los trapos sucios de nuestra relación también.
Uno de los mayores retos de tener una tercera persona con nosotras fue que no éramos tan libres de comunicarnos la una con la otra. La presencia de Richard nos hizo consciente del trabajo constante y agotador que nosotras hacemos para mantener una comunicación abierta entre nuestras dos muy diferentes personalidades y perspectivas. Bien sea moviéndonos o sentandonos, abrimos un espacio intencionalmente para hablar por más de una hora al día así sea incómodo y hemos trabajado arduamente para que sea un lugar seguro para que ambos expresemos nuestras verdades.
Habíamos dejado de hacer estas prácticas para que no se sintiera incómodo, lo usamos como una distracción neutral para evitar la creciente dolencia entre nosotras, y yo mismo comencé a preguntarme si la relación valía tanto esfuerzo. ¿No debería una relación fluir fácilmente? ¿Por qué cavamos tan profundo y rigurosamente?
Te diré por qué.
Porque eso es lo que se necesita para que funcione. Nuestra relación no es perfecta, ni es fácil. Es profunda. Es resistente, se afirma mutuamente, a menudo es tonta, y es lo que ha hecho este viaje posible. Entonces, nos sentamos a desayunar solas juntas y salimos con nuestras heridas e incertidumbres. Estas conversaciones siempre son intimidantes para empezar, dan miedo navegar, y me dejan con una abrumadora sensación de alivio. Reconocimos los patrones de juego de nuestros padres, como cosas “pecados de tu padre”. Significó exponer algunas de mis más profundas vulnerabilidades y temores. Significó lágrimas y dejar que la oscuridad que me ha encubierto se vea y lo nombre.
In Neon I have found a steadfast companion in the multiple facets of this undertaking. She is experienced in long travel, she is versed in emotional awareness, and she can honor the spiritual. Out of the gate, I would not have known to seek these things and it has taken years for us to build them. I could not be more grateful and honored.
El pueblo turístico está en el angosto trecho de tierra entre los canales y el mar Caribe. Muchas veces al día paseo hacia la playa para observar el mar. El agua parecía más suave que la última vez que nos habíamos encontrado, aunque las señales en la playa advirtieron sobre las mareas y resacas. Richard nos enseñó que las resacas pueden, de hecho, ser beneficiosas para los kayakistas, ya que crean un dibujo exterior y calman las olas en ciertas áreas. Podíamos ver varios a unos cientos de metros de nuestra ubicación.
Estaba aterrorizada, los recuerdos del tumulto de hace unas semanas todavía se estrellaban en mi mente, tensando mi cuerpo y despertándome por la noche, escuchando las olas.
Necesitaba salir.
Mal.
Si bien podríamos quedarnos en los canales por unos cien kilómetros más, mi miedo era estrellarme justo afuera de nuestra puerta, y quién puede negar esa llamada sin comprometerse a una vida de temible evasión y el trauma creciente de ser forzado a enfrentarlo en algún momento? Si he aprendido algo de este viaje, es que tus dudas y temores siempre te atraparán, una y otra vez. Solo enfrentándolos puedes moverte y disiparlos. Hasta ese momento, lo cargarán y, si no lo escuchan, se convertirán en el trabajo de las generaciones futuras para desenredar.
Así que nos embarcamos. Y mis miedos se hicieron realidad cuando una ola se estrelló sobre mí y me dio la vuelta. El agua corría por mi cabeza, el pánico creció, no logré ejecutar la vuelta, pero sí logré permanecer en ese lugar de miedo rugiente durante unos segundos más antes de tirar de mi falda y salir. Richard remó y me ayudó a volver a la orilla.
Él ofreció que regresáramos a los canales, pero yo no quería irme. Esto tenía que ser manejable si alguna vez iba a ser digna del mar. Bombeamos el bote, y lo intenté de nuevo. Esta vez lo logre. Yo estaba en el mar. Cinco semanas más tarde de lo que había anticipado, había retrasado la agenda de todo el proyecto, pero finalmente había llegado a donde quería estar. Afuera en el océano azul.
La siguiente semana, el mar y el cielo fueron misericordioso. La marea era menor a un metro, los vientos pegaban sólo por unas pocas horas en el mediodía y en las tardes era calmada como un vidrio. La orilla se deslizaba a mi derecha, constante y suave. A 1 km, puedes ver la playa y el oleaje; a 2 km, es solo una hilera de árboles; a 3 km de la tierra hay capas de diferentes tonos de verde en una amplia extensión azul.
Me encantaba estar en el mar. Más cerca de la costa, tiene el contexto de la línea de la costa en movimiento, pero desde el fondo, todo lo que tiene es el ritmo del remo cortando a través del agua. Pierdes tu marco de referencia. Puede ser frustrante cuando no puedes decir si te estás moviendo, solo debes confiar en que lo estás haciendo.
Por primera vez en esta temporada, mi mente se quedó en silencio. No había nada que ordenar, simplemente estaba lo que era. Yo no llevaba pesas, me llevaba el peso. Cada vez más experimentaba esos momentos de paz presencial. Cuando una libélula o mariposa pasó volando. Cuando un pájaro se zambulló del cielo. Cuando la luz del sol resplandeció sobre el agua y me movía entre un millón de diamantes dispersos.
Al estar rodeado de esos momentos, reconocí que habían estado presentes incluso a través de los desafíos del río, donde me estaban presente con menos frecuencia. Cuando volvieron a ser mi estado normal, volví a respirar tranquilo. Respiré en la fuerza de mis músculos. Respiré en las aguas profundas debajo de mí. Respiré en los cielos y en la capa de nubes misericordiosas sobre mí. Hay mucho espacio para respirar sobre el mar.
Finalmente, encontré lo que venía buscando.
Comments (6)
Thanks for the honest reflection of facing doubt and fear. Thanks for sharing the difficulty and rewards of working on relationship issues as the three of you progress. Triangles are strong but never easy.
Thank you for joining us in the journey. What you just said about triangles is so true! I may have to quote you!
Hi Ladies,
When do you expect to be leaving the kayaks and starting your trek on land?
Hi back!
Fidgit will get back to hiking by the end of this month. Shell do a “flip flop” and start at the US/Canada border and walk southbound.
In July or August Neon will begin biking the Wild West route southbound.
Then plan then is for the ladies to meet up at the US/Mexico border and pedal back down to lake Nicaragua, where we began kayaking.
I’ve been quietly following your travels with Neon since the day I saw an article about the Odyssey in the newspaper awhile before you started. I have so much admiration for your courage and fortitude and thankfulness for the window you two have opened on a world rarely, if ever, seen.
Susan, thank you so much for speaking up. It means a lot that you have stuck with us all these years!